Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dignity is for republicans.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
