I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
