I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
