I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
