took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dear god my vagina.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
