Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
