Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
