Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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