my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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