Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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