I'm really into asian looking animals
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
