Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
