$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
