I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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