the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
