Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What drink are we having for lunch?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
