I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
