she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
