So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
