I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
