I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
