LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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