I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
