I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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