How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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