his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
