so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
