well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That accounts for only three of the penises
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
