The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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