the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
