i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
