They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
