I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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