Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
