Cold hands, warm shart.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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