as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
