Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
