fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Drake has all the answers
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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