I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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