my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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