I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
