If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
