I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
