you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
