just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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