Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
