Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
