Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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