Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
