she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
